I Took Your Sugar When You Weren t Looking and I d Do It Again the Simpsons

This commodity is from the annal of our partner .

Tomorrow, FXX begins its 12-twenty-four hour period marathon of every Simpsons episode ever. This is in itself a monumental and staggering challenge, and we have already produced a guide on how to handle information technology. But this revived Simpsons mania led me down an fifty-fifty deeper, darker garden path: an effort to painstakingly catalogue the funniest line spoken by every important Simpsons grapheme, from the five primary family unit members to the recesses of the vast recurring cast. Every choice is, of grade, utterly definitive, and I'one thousand sure no one will have any objections to them. But I have annotated almost of them just in instance there is debate. Read on, hopefully with a mix of horror and delight.

Homer Simpson

"Everything lasts forever."
—Homer the Great (Season half-dozen, Episode 12), in response to Lisa's alert, "Dad I know you think you're happy at present, but it'southward not gonna last forever!"
[in that location is no one greatest Homer line, I acknowledge. This quiet exchange in the middle of the Stonecutters episode has long been a personal favorite]

Marge Simpson

"Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low no ane will even care if you succeed. Dinner's in the oven. If you want some butter it's nether my face up."
—The Twisted World of Marge Simpson (Season 8, Episode 11), after her pretzel business concern fails.
[whenever nosotros get a glimpse into Marge's deep, but usually hidden, well of darkness and depression is unremarkably when she's at her funniest]

Lisa Simpson

"If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room."
—Bart Gets Famous (Flavor v, Episode 12), afterward the whole cast recite their catchphrases.
[Lisa is perhaps the best character on The Simpsons, partly because she almost doesn't want to have part]

Bart Simpson

"I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda."
—Bart Sells His Soul (Season seven, Episode four), afterward Lisa quotes Pablo Neruda to him.
[Bart is the near catchphrase-y character but makes me express joy the virtually when he's existence dry]

Grandad Simpson

"I can't wait to consume that monkey."
—Girly Edition (Season 9, Episode 21), afterward meeting his new helper monkey Mojo.
[I also considered the line near being "with it" from Homerpalooza, but that's just a brilliant piece of writing, less character-specific]

Charles Montgomery Burns

"Have the Rolling Stones killed."
—Rosebud (Season 5, Episode 4), later on being given a profane birthday concert by The Ramones.
[impossible to choose, but there's something so perfect almost the combination of coincidental evil and cultural unawareness here]

Waylon Smithers

"Uh, no, they're saying, 'Boo-urns! Boo-urns!'"
—A Star is Burns (Season 6, Episode eighteen), reassuring his boss of his popularity.
[his best line, but it's rarely attributed to him]

Seymour Skinner

"Attention, students, this is Principal Skinner, your primary, with a message from the master's office. Report immediately for an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students proper name that one."
—Lisa on Water ice (Season vi, Episode 8), making a school annunciation.
[simply he did, so he'll follow the rules nigh information technology]

Agnes Skinner

"Oh my proper noun's Agnes, and you know it'due south Agnes! It means lamb! Lamb of God!"
—The Twisted Earth of Marge Simpson (Flavour 8, Episode eleven), when Marge forgets her name
[very shut between this and, from the same episode,"Gimbels is gone, Marge…LONG gone. You're Gimbels!"]

Krusty the Clown

"Sex Cauldron?! I idea they closed that place downward!"
—Grade School Confidential (Season 8, Episode 19), after Maude spells out the words "sex" and "children."
[my favorite grapheme. I could fill up an article with his lines]

Sideshow Bob

"Oh, cousin Merl, really!"
—Blood brother From Another Serial (Season viii, Episode sixteen), after his construction site co-worker says his dead smellhound has "gone to sky."
[nosotros should build whole cities in tribute to the manner Kelsey Grammer delivers this line]

Sideshow Mel

"Everyone's always kissing your ass. Well I'chiliad not afraid to tell you lot, you're a- [Blip]"
—I Love Lisa (Flavour iv, Episode xv), boozer on "wowie juice" in a never-before-seen Krusty the Clown clip
[Sideshow Mel is very funny only simply because he's so serious]

Patty Bouvier

"There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality."
—Treehouse of Horror III (Season 4, Episode five), spoken as Homer runs by naked.
[it would only have her twelve more years to accost this publicly!]

Selma Bouvier

"Then call me Mrs. Scum."
—Black Widower (Season 3, Episode 21), after Bart warns her confronting marrying Sideshow Bob, who Bart calls "scum."
[Selma is perhaps the more tragic of the Bouvier twins, although her optimism regarding men is beauteous]

Ned Flanders

"It'south good for keepin' down the urges!"
—A Milhouse Divided (Season viii, Episode half dozen), in reference to cornstarch.
[almost a throwaway in the episode, just in that location'southward then much to remember well-nigh there]

Maude Flemish region

"Unflavored for me!"
—Home Sugariness Homediddly-Dum-Doodily (Season seven, Episode 3), putting in an lodge for non-fat ice milk.
[she was the perfect woman for him]

Rod Flemish region

"Iron helps us play!"
—Lisa's First Give-and-take (Season 4, Episode 10), running to eat liver for dinner.

Todd Flanders

"Daddy says dice are wicked!"
—My Sister, My Sitter (Season eight, Episode 17), playing board games with Lisa.
[it's more Moe's line but I as well love "my freakin' ears!"]

Reverend Lovejoy

"Ned, accept yous considered whatsoever of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same."
—Dwelling Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily (Season 7, Episode three), giving spiritual advice to Ned.
[all his best lines are along these parameters]

Helen Lovejoy

"It'southward filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body, which, applied as they may be, are evil!"
—Itchy and Scratchy and Marge (Season 2, Episode 9), discussing Michaelangelo's David.
[Helen's hysterical commitment is crucial to everything she does, such every bit the much-quoted line linked above]

Clancy Wiggum

"Broil 'em away, toys!"
—Cape Feare (Season v, Episode 2), overriding Bart's gild of "take 'em away, boys!"
[perfect in its simplicity]

Ralph Wiggum

"Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the cupboard making babies and I saw one of the babies so the baby looked at me"
—Grade Schoolhouse Confidential (Season 8, Episode 19), after witnessing a makeout session in a janitor'southward closet.
[the most over-quoted Simpsons graphic symbol, just he has a ton of peachy moments]

Groundskeeper Willie

"Give me that, you noodle-armed choir-boy!"
—The Joy of Sect (Flavor 9, Episode xiii), fighting with Reverend Lovejoy over who gets to beat the cult programming out of Homer.
[followed by Reverend Lovejoy calling him "Mr. Kilt"]

Barney Gumble

"LORD PALMERSTON!"
—Homer at the Bat (Flavor three, Episode 17), debating England's greatest Prime number Government minister with Wade Boggs.
[the best version of the 'stupid guy is smart' joke ever]

Apu

"Ah. The searing kiss of hot atomic number 82; how I missed you. I mean, I retrieve I'm dying."
—Homer and Apu (Season 5, Episode 13), afterwards being shot.
[I dearest Apu jokes that center on his brave and vehement occupation]

Moe

"I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff."
—Squad Homer (Flavor 7, Episode 12), evaluating his status in life.
[right behind Krusty in the "favorite character" and "endlessly funny lines" categories]

Kirk Van Houten

"It's dignity! Gah! Don't you even know dignity when you see it?"
—A Milhouse Divided (Season 8, Episode 6), trying to draw the concept of "dignity" for his married woman.
[this whole scene is a masterpiece, and "Can I Borrow a Feeling" isn't really a quote]

Luann Van Houten

"I'm sorry, I'm not every bit smart as you, Kirk. We didn't all go to Gudger College."
—A Milhouse Divided (Season viii, Episode 6), failing to gauge Kirk's "nobility" clue.
[Gudger College is fictional, just that proper noun is perfect]

Milhouse Van Houten

"Everything'southward coming upwardly Milhouse!"
—Mom and Pop Art (Season ten, Episode 9), when his flood pants keep his cuffs "bone-dry out."
[sometimes information technology's best to go with the greatest hits]

Lionel Hutz

"He's had information technology in for me ever since I kinda ran over his canis familiaris. Well, replace the word 'kinda' with the word 'repeatedly,' and the word 'domestic dog' with 'son.'"
—Marge in Chains (Flavour 4, Episode 21), discussing his human relationship with Guess Snyder.
[how do you pick just i Hutz line? It's impossible]

Troy McClure

"Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a moo-cow always got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!"
—Lisa the Vegetarian (Season 7, Episode 5), advocating confronting vegetarianism.
[just every bit impossible, but this whole fake newsreel is my favorite Troy McClure scene]

Lenny Leonard

"Ow, my middle! I'm non supposed to get pudding in information technology!"
—Homer vs. Nobility (Flavour 12, Episode 5), as pudding is hurled at his heart.
[a wonderful direct man and fall guy]

Carl Carlson

"Aw, basics. I hateful...aw, basics."
—Mountain of Madness (Season eight, Episode 12), later on he is partnered with Lenny in a team-building exercise.
[Carl'south relationship with Lenny is so dense and complicated and largely unspoken]

Kent Brockman

"Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to impale. The government calls information technology the Army, but a more than alarmist name would be...the Killbot Factory."
—Homer Loves Flanders (Season 5, Episode 16)
[other obvious choices include "insect overlords" and "democracy merely doesn't piece of work," but this is an old personal favorite. Thanks to his task on the prove, Kent is one of the best sources of one-liners]

Edna Krabappel

"She's faking."
—Bart'south Friend Falls In Dear (Season 3, Episode 23), watching a sexual practice education video with her fourth-graders.
[really, all you need is "HAH!"]

Miss Hoover

"I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent give-and-take."
—Lisa the Iconoclast (Flavor 7, Episode xvi), endorsing the utilise of the word "embiggens."
[pretty much every cracking Miss Hoover moment hinges on her utter apathy]

Superintendent Chalmers

"Oh, I have had it, I have had it with this school, Skinner! The depression examination scores, form after course of ugly, ugly children!"
—Sweetness Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (Season v, Episode 19), evaluating Springfield Uncomplicated.
[the greatest Utican to always appear on idiot box]

Comic Book Guy

"Ohhh, I've wasted my life."
—Treehouse of Horror VIII (Season 9, Episode four), seconds before he is obliterated by a neutron flop.
[a close-runner up is "I can requite you this phone. It is shaped similar Mary Worth."]

Professor Frink

"Please, I have a funny story, if you'll listen? I even wrote theme music, listen! Ahem. Hey. Hey. Professor Frink, Professor Frink, he'll make you laugh, he'll make yous think, he likes to run, and then the thing, with the...person? Oh boy, that monkey is going to pay"
—22 Brusk Films Nigh Springfield (Season seven, Episode 21), missing his chance at debuting his spinoff "The Tomfoolery of Professor John Frink."
[it'southward all virtually the delivery with Frink, but I wish we could have seen this bear witness]

Dr. Hibbert

"Too crazy for Male child'southward Town, too much of a male child for Crazy Town!"
—Treehouse of Horror VII (Season 8, Episode 1), describing Bart's evil twin.
[Hibbert's not actually with the jokes, merely he'due south so quietly demented]

Nelson Muntz

"I 'unno. Gotta nuke somethin'."
—Lisa'south Date With Destiny (Flavour viii, Episode 7), defending his "Nuke the Whales" affiche.
[gotta nuke somethin'!]

Fat Tony

"You lot have 24 hours to give us our money. And to show you we're serious… you have 12 hours."
—The Twisted World of Marge Simpson (Flavor 8, Episode 11), giving Marge a mob ultimatum.
[he's legendarily great throughout this episode]

Sea Helm

"Arr, I don't know what I'm doin'."
—Boy-Scouts N the Hood (Season 5, Episode eight), after a gunkhole he'due south trying to sell to Homer sinks.
[for a man whose name is an occupation, the Sea Captain has held many jobs over the years]

Luigi

"Hey Salvatore! Become the ugly kid a platter of the red crap-a!"
—Sugariness Seymour Skinner'south Baadasssss Song (Flavour 5, Episode 19), putting in an order for Bart'due south food.
[also: "Yeah, you lot come across how you scum"]

Jasper

"Sidewalk's for regular walkin', non for fancy walkin'."
—Who Shot Mr. Burns, Role 2 (Flavor 7, Episode 1), equally Smithers approaches him drunkenly.
[Jasper is a secret fountain of great quotes]

Gil Gunderson

"Ah, they stole the balloon! I've been living in there! [hot plate falls from the airship] Oh, lord, my hot plate! I merely had two payments left!"
—Natural Born Kissers (Flavour 9, Episode 25), afterward Homer and Marge steal his hot air balloon.
[aforementioned for Gil. Think his rusty Colecovisions]

Joe Quimby

"Can't nosotros have i coming together that doesn't cease with usa digging upwardly a corpse?
—Lisa the Iconoclast (Season seven, Episode 16), afterwards the boondocks decides to dig upwards Jebediah Springfield's corpse.
[Quimby has never said anything that wasn't funny]

The Blue-Haired Lawyer

"Please sign these papers indicating that you lot did not save Itchy & Scratchy."
—The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Prove (Flavor 8, Episode 14), later Roger Myers Jr. tells Lisa she saved Itchy & Scratchy.
[I love the blue-haired lawyer.]

Martin Prince

"Ooh! Pick me, Teacher! I'm ever so smart!"
—The Last Temptation of Homer (Flavour 5, Episode 9), calling out in class.
[Team Discovery Channel!]

Uter

"Don't make me run! I'g total of chocolate!"
—Lisa on Ice (Season 6, Episode 8), existence chased by Homer the towel-snapper in the gym
[Uter might non have another great line, but he'south got this one]

Jimbo

"That is so gay!"
—Lisa's Date With Destiny (Flavour eight, Episode 7), upon witnessing Nelson kiss a girl.
[probably the funniest of the bully trio]

Hans Moleman

"I need the biggest seed bell yous have. ...No, that'south also big."
—Itchy & Scratchy State (Season 6, Episode four), under attack from predatory birds
[merely thinking well-nigh what they said on the other side of this telephone call puts me in hysterics]

Otto

"Wow, I had mustard?"
—The Otto Show (Flavor 3, Episode 22), upon being told the only possessions in his flat were a jar of mustard and old motorbike magazines.
[not a lot of funny Otto lines!]

Disco Stu

"Disco Stu doesn't annunciate."
—Two Bad Neighbors (Season 7, Episode thirteen), rejecting Homer's "Disco Stud" jacket which is missing a D because he ran out of rhinestones.
[a hilarious 1-joke appearance that should take concluded there]

Dr. Nick

"When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged?"
—Who Shot Mr. Burns, Office 2 (Season seven, Episode 1), inspecting a catatonic Mr. Burns.
[one of the all-time one-joke characters]

Lunchlady Doris

"More testicles means more iron."
—Sugariness Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (Flavor v, Episode 19), preparing luncheon from a barrel of horse testicles.
[but don't forget her promoting the "bunly goodness" of a hot dog bun]

Duffman

"Duffman... can't breathe! OH no!"
—Pygmoelian (Season eleven, Episode sixteen), after Moe puts a suffocating sticker on his face.
[another i-joke character who maybe should take died with this appearance]

Snake

"She needs premium, dude! Premium! Dude!"
— Realty Bites (Season 9, Episode nine), when Homer buys his car at auction.

Database

"I get in a indicate never to turn my head unless I await to see something, Bart."
—Bart's Comet (Season 6, Episode xiv), after Bart tells him to look at the comet out the window.
[what a persnickety nerd. Officially Matt Groening's least favorite grapheme]

Cletus

"Hey, I can call my ma from up here. HEY MA, Go OFF THE DANG ROOF!"
—22 Short Films Virtually Springfield (Season 7, Episode 21), climbing a telephone pole.

Kang

"It does non matter which way y'all vote. Either way your planet is doomed. Doomed. Doomed!"
—Treehouse of Horror VII (Flavour 8, Episode ane), as Bob Dole, discussing American commonwealth
[the aliens' best episode is when they're dressed every bit Clinton and Dole, merely it counts]

Kodos

"My fellow Americans. Equally a young male child, I dreamed of being a baseball game, merely tonight I say, nosotros must motion forward, not backward, up not forrard, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom."
—Treehouse of Horror Seven (Season 8, Episode one), as Bill Clinton, making his pitch to the American people.
[run across above]

Poochie

"Hey kids, always recycle. TO THE EXTREME!"
—The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (Season viii, Episode 14), giving young people advice.
[considering he technically didn't say "I have to go at present. My planet needs me."]

Squeaky-Voiced Teen

"Just this comes out of my salary! If I had a girlfriend, she'd impale me."
—Krusty Gets Kancelled (Flavor 4, Episode 22), when a taco he sold is returned.
[there's maybe a better one, just everything that comes out of this kid'southward mouth works]

Sarcastic Guy

"Bingo bango, sugar in the gas tank. The ex-hubby strikes again!"
—Bart the Lover (Season 3, Episode 16), profitable Edna with her machine.
[the Sarcastic Guy is one of the best undercover Simpsons characters]

Rainier Wolfcastle

"My eyes! The goggles do nothing!"
—Radioactive Human (Season 7, Episode 2), as he is carried abroad past a wave of acrid
[let's cease things here.]

Endless thank you to Joe Reid and my Twitter followers in helping me compile this maddening project.

This commodity is from the archive of our partner The Wire.

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Source: https://www.theatlantic.com/culture/archive/2014/08/the-greatest-line-every-simpsons-character-ever-delivered/378879/